For the past 4 years, February first has brought thoughts, memories and emotions along with it. February 1st has significance to me, especially since 02/01/05.
The day that changed everything for me and ultimately a chain reaction that altered the lives of many people. One day. February 1st.
When I was an abused wife, all I wanted was peacefulness. Realizing that Alberts reality & zombies were becoming my realities & zombies, I fought back with the only resource I knew, God. I prayed for a peaceful home and God safely led me to where I am today. February first is the day on the calendar for remembrance and gratitude.
Four years ago today, I took steps to peace. I got a U-Haul and left everything that had become familiar to me. The big home, the large family, the pool, hot tub, neighbors, good income and the crazy, alcoholic husband who both loved me and abused me....I took the kids and pets and a few of my things and left my home to pursue peace. I rented a cute yellow house across town and took Max out of his life and started over, fearfully that Albert would find us and hurt us. I knew he had guns and I knew he had angry alcoholic, which in my mind, can be a deadly combination and I was right.
It was a Tuesday when I left. The week before Superbowl Sunday, the holiday where the whole family of friends gathers to eat, drink & be merry together, while the NFL makes millions of dollars. Superbowl 2005 would be the last football game the Al Rose would ever see and it would be the last time anyone saw him alive.
As I sit here ontop of the patchwork quilt that my grandma made, on top of our love bed, I realize that my prayers have been answered and I am in my peaceful home. I believe Albert knew that I would go on to have a peaceful life with my Dave and I'm sure he's not surprised that it is on the farm in the Ozarks.
I believe Albert is proud of us all, actually. Smiling down on us from his peaceful home in heaven. The kids, the cafe', the farm, the animals, he is happy for us that we have found peace and gratitude. I know that in my heart. I realize that Albert is nearby.. not more than a breathe away from all of us at any given time. I speak his name and he is here with his wit and wisdom that is free from the emotional pain that kept him in the dark on this plane. Albert is in and of the light now. He is the hawk that watches from the sky and the sun that warms our face. He is my teacher and guardian still now. Albert was much stronger than he realized and touched more lives than he knew. At 42, I am older than he lived to be. I passed him in age and will continue on my journey.
On this February 1st, I reflect on what IS and how that one day changed everything. On Superbowl Sunday, I reflect for a moment on what was. As I hang with my new family, drinking a beer and living my life in peace and harmony, I will silently toast to my husband, Albert with gratitude for the gifts that he left me and the wonderful memories of family and home that we shared.
I fully release any negative or hurtful emotions around the choices we made and respect his decisions as well as my own. I forgive and I reconsile.
On this February 1st, it is another day on my journey. A day full of promise and sunshine. Today, I will spend with MY Dave and our family on our farm, enjoying the peacefulness of our life and the joy of each other and the life we are co-creating. The question is answered... Would I trade everything I know in my comfort zone (money/financial security) for a life of self sufficiency and peacefulness? Yes, Yes, Yes... I did and it did it with no regrets.
So, that's all of the looking back. Now it's about looking forward and living now. It's about living MY dreams and counting my blessings. It's a day of learning a new way of life and growing into the woman I have been becoming all along.
Today is about LOVE. True, Divine Love and human friendships. It's about Church Ladies and lessons learned. Today is a day of gratitude and joy.
I can say every day that I love my life. It has been a bumpy road, at times, but the journey has been worth it. I am here now. This IS my life and I am truely in every sense of the word, blessed. Four years later.
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